Here we go again

I've decided that since writing was so incredibly therapeutic for me when Chaz died, I'd try it again but for a different reason. There are so many things that happen throughout time that I want to remember but simply don't take the time to record. For instance, Brett was in the 1st grade spelling bee last week and I took pictures, but that was it. By keeping a blog, I'll (hopefully) be recording my memories to have them put into a book for my children. Technology has come so far and since I'm a techie, I'd better start utilizing it! So, here we go again...

Long time...

Well, it's been long enough since I last wrote! I'll be honest, I'm just starting to feel like writing again. Things are crazy with Brett starting Kindergarten in a couple of days and I'm looking forward to a routine of sorts. I love my new job and Nate is settling in for the beginning of another year at Girard. Reese is happy to be back at daycare and that makes it easier for me. I'm hoping to keep my blog updated. Keep in touch!

Another bad day...

Yesterday was another crappy day. I can definitely tell I’m depressed. I’m still on meds, but with the pregnancy hormones, Christmas, and stress, I’m pretty sure my body and mind are just going wacko right now. Today hasn’t been much better. I went to the dr. this morning and the baby is still breech. I know there’s time for her to move, but Brett didn’t and as of the last scan her body structure looks a lot like his was – long and skinny. Brett didn't have room to move. That being said, if she’s still breech at 37 weeks, I’ll probably have to have a c-section. I’m not sure how I feel about that, but what will be will be. I realize I have no control.

Last night Nate and I had a good talk. I was able to vent about the different stresses in life and he was able to sympathize, empathize, and comfort me. Thankfully he has an open mind and is able to see things that I can’t because right now my mind is in a tunnel. I try to be open minded most of the time, but right now I just can’t seem to get there. Sometimes it feels like he’s the only person who cares. I know that’s not true, but when the caring emails and/or phone calls are few and far between, it makes it difficult to convince yourself that there really are people out there praying. I don’t mean to sound selfish, so I’ll just be blunt. I need support. I know it’s been over a year and a half since Chaz died, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt or make life difficult to deal with. Thanks to those of you who have continued to pray for us and encourage us with your words, written and verbal. It means the world to me to know you care.

Oh how I wish things were different...

Let me begin by saying that I have no idea where this blog is going to end up. I am so completely overwhelmed with so many different issues that I don’t know which way is up and which way is down. The holidays have really caught me by surprise this year. I must have been somewhat numb and in shock last year and this year, I’m feeling it all. I know this pregnancy has been a lot more difficult to deal with emotionally and physically than either of my previous pregnancies. Other issues that plague my mind are only amplified because of the stress of dealing with life and quite honestly there are few who have even tried to sympathize. It’s incredibly irritating. My conclusion, no matter how unrealistic, is that life would be better if I were a hermit. The pressure of the “world” seems to be more than I can handle right now and the only way to avoid it is to stay out of it. Yes, it’s late. Yes, I’ve had a crappy day, evening, week, etc. Yes, I’m negative right now.

I’m beginning to get the sense that people have a certain “you’re strong, Maria, you can handle this” attitude. The fact is that I don’t feel strong, I don’t have that kind of attitude and I don’t think God expects me too either. My baby is dead. I miss him terribly. I have another baby coming and am scared to death of the emotions that will come and have been coming for the last few months. I’m a wreck on the inside regardless of what I look like on the outside or at least that’s been the case for the last few weeks. The emotions I’m feeling are extremely similar to what I felt when we had our first ultrasound. Sometimes they’re so overwhelming I wonder if they will ever end…

Right now I’m really dealing with some heavy issues that I can’t elaborate on publicly. I wouldn’t wish the tough times in my life on anyone, but sometimes I wish those closest could get a glimpse in a dream or something to see inside my mind and heart. I can’t control how I’m feeling and I realized that tonight. My best bet is to keep my mouth shut and just get through to January. There will always be disappointments. Life will continue to be unfair in my eyes. If only I could put into words all that I want people to know right now. To sum it up…I WANT TO SCREAM!!!

Thoughts from Nate

As today is the eve of the year and a half mark since Chaz has been gone, I have the desire to write a little something.

As I look back at my life it is obvious to me, if to no one else, that I am a very selfish person when it comes to sentimental items and traditions. This has never been truer than it was during the year after Chaz passed away. There were so many things that I/we held on to that connected us to the time he was here. For example, we had a couple of Eddie Bauer fold up chairs that we carried in the van that were beaten up very badly during the accident. Even though they would not hold anyone if they tried to set on them, I felt the need to keep them because they were with us in the accident and in someway by keeping them I felt that it would help me remember. Another example would be the decorations we decorated Chaz’s grave with the first memorial day. I saved them because they were used to help celebrate Chaz’s life when he was gone. Every piece of clothing, every piece of paper, and every card that talked about Chaz are in the safe room. These are just a few things to mention.

So what am I getting at? Beginning with and including the loss of Chaz I have had so many things that I have had to give up reluctantly, if not by my own actions but by the events that I have no control over. I have truly had to learn to let go. One of the big ones was when we found out we were expecting our third child. I had to let go of the fact that Chaz was not going to be the baby of the family anymore, even though he will be. Confusing I know. Another big one was going to the gravesite after memorial day to find that the decorations that I had saved had been thrown away. The decision to go ahead and throw away the Eddie Bauer chairs was not an easy one (even though I did keep the back fabric piece that hangs in my garage now).

So I still haven’t stated what I am getting at have I? What I am discovering is that beyond having to give up Chaz physically, I have had to continue to give up other things in my life connected to Chaz in order to move on. As badly as I would like to sometimes go back and feel the same pain for losing him that I did last summer I know that by allowing myself to do that it will not help me to continue to progress. So each time one of the plants dies that was given to us for Chaz’s funeral, it hurts so much less. Each time we go through the intersection I am less scared (even though I haven’t yet driven a left turn through it, but someday will). Each time I am reminded that he should be here and he isn’t, it does not end my day. I know that things will continue to progress and there are bound to be moments, but I have made a decision that I am not going to let it wreck me and take away my progression as a husband, dad, friend, teacher or coach.

I haven't blogged in a while so I thought I'd fill you in on what's been going on. October was super busy for us. We were gone every weekend of the month. With no time to relax on the weekends, we've tried to spend time during the week as a family, although that's been difficult as well since we've had something going on at least 3 nights a week as well. With the holidays quickly approaching, I'm sure time is going to pass faster than we can imagine.

I've been having a bit of trouble lately when it comes to dealing with the loss of Chaz. I'm actually struggling more this holiday season than I was last year. I'm not consumed, but the thoughts of Chaz have been coming more frequently. Nate and I have talked lately about how we can't even imagine what Chaz would have been like at 18 months old. We visited a friend who has a 5 week old baby the other day and it was much harder to deal with mentally than I thought it would be. It reminded me of just how small Chaz was and then I started thinking about all I missed out on. It kind of scares me when I think about having this little girl around. I'm thankful that it will all seem like a new experience, yet I'm a little leary of the emotional side of having another baby in the house. Those thoughts I'd shoved aside for months are beginning to come back. As best I can figure, all of this is a culmination of the holidays and approaching birth of this baby. I feel like I'm handling it well tho.

Just a little insight into that part of my life. Oh, the other parts I'd like to blog on but can't. So is life, I guess. Hopefully I'll be better at keeping up with this thing.

Jail visit

Well, we arrived at the jail this morning and Pflug refused to see us. I wrote a quick note and we were on our way. We had taken a Bible for him and the officer said she would hand deliver both to him. I left the jail feeling sorry for him. Reform doesn't seem to be on his horizon. From what we gathered, his attitude is the same if not worse than when the accident occured. We can't say we didn't try and I feel good about what we did. Thanks for your prayers. We appreciate all of them! I feel like a huge burden has been lifted. I've done what I can do! The rest is up to God.