Thursday, July 17, 2008

Many Updates

I’ve been reflecting a lot on the last 15 months and have really started to feel a peace about my life. That doesn’t mean that I like what happened or will ever stop grieving because I still have bad moments/days, but instead means that God is really doing a number on my heart and showing me just how amazing He is. It saddens me to think that our third child and following children (granted God wants us to have more) will never meet Chaz on earth. We don’t have stories to tell about how funny he was or what his favorite toy was, but we do have the memories from three blissful weeks and that’s more than some get with their babies and so I’m grateful.

Our focus is slowly changing from our grief to the new baby and that has forced us to “let go” of Chaz a little more whether we’ve liked it or not. We are motivated to focus on the future. His pictures still hang on the wall and I still stop and stare in disbelief. I still go through times when I fell like I’m in shock and think that all of this couldn’t have happened. I spoke to another mother who had lost a child and she said it does get easier, but it doesn’t go away. So, I guess that shock feeling is going to hang around for a while.

On the flip-side, I am seeing more and more of God’s magnificence every day. I used to think I believed in God but the last 15 months have shown me that my faith was so small! I’m still not complete in His plan, but it is obvious to me that He is growing me each and every day. We had pretty much decided that we weren’t wanting to have any more biological children. The infertility was more than we wanted to deal with on top of grieving the loss of Chaz. I was content with our decision to stay an earthly family of 3 for a while. Adoption wasn’t out of the question, but I just didn’t feel like taking a risk either right now. Obviously God had another plan in mind by giving us this baby and although I was confused and shocked in the beginning, I’m very content and happy with where God is taking us. In my opinion, it’s is just one more way that God is scooting us along in the direction He has planned for us. He’s healing our wounds and showing us that He is truly all we need. I’ve never believed more in Isaiah 55:8-9. If you don’t know it, look it up!

A few Sundays ago we went to hear Highest Praise perform in Fort Scott and one song really stood out to me. I’ve heard it hundreds of times and have listened to the words intently, but for some reason on Sunday the lyrics pierced my heart. Mandisa originally sang the song called “God Speaking”. If you’ve never heard it, I encourage you to listen to it as soon as possible. It talks about how God will use anything He wants to to get our attention and show us His love like strangers, nature, death of a loved one, fear, etc. Here's my favorite part:

Have you ever lost a loved one
That you thought should still be here
Do you know what it feels like
To be tangled up in fear.
What if He's somehow involved?
What if He's speaking through it all?

Who knows how He'll get a hold of us
Get our attention to prove He is enough
He'll do and He'll use whatever He wants to
To tell us "I love you!"

His ways are higher
His ways are better

I think about all the people out there who don’t have a Savior and it breaks my heart. That thought makes me realize that I need to be paying attention to God’s whispers like never before. Sometimes we don’t know what to pray for and that’s okay. The Holy Spirit has definitely done a lot of interceding for me in the last 15 months. Honestly, I’ve never been more speechless with God than I have been the last 15 months. Words don’t necessarily come easy for me in most situations that I face these days, but I continue to focus on listening for God’s whispers. I know I’ll be okay. I know there will be more bumps in the road. I know God will help us through. I know God is here and will always be here, just like He’s been here for my entire life. I know God will continue to speak to me and it is my job to shut-up and listen.

On a different note, Keith Runyan, a good friend of ours, has a landscaping business. He designed a memorial garden for us and he and his crew worked diligently this week to get it put together in our back yard. It’s absolutely gorgeous! It’s not completely finished yet on our side as we would like to add lighting and a gazebo, but as far as landscaping goes, I couldn’t ask for anything more! I’ve posted a pictures of the guys and the garden. (One special note: Colin, my brother, is on the crew and got to help build it. He’s holding the picture of Chaz.) They also planted trees with the money we had already been given for that purpose. Some people told us to let them know when we were planting trees because they wanted to purchase one. We’re going to be ready to plant more trees in the near future so if you’re one of those people and you’d still like to do that, please let us know.