Another bad day...

Yesterday was another crappy day. I can definitely tell I’m depressed. I’m still on meds, but with the pregnancy hormones, Christmas, and stress, I’m pretty sure my body and mind are just going wacko right now. Today hasn’t been much better. I went to the dr. this morning and the baby is still breech. I know there’s time for her to move, but Brett didn’t and as of the last scan her body structure looks a lot like his was – long and skinny. Brett didn't have room to move. That being said, if she’s still breech at 37 weeks, I’ll probably have to have a c-section. I’m not sure how I feel about that, but what will be will be. I realize I have no control.

Last night Nate and I had a good talk. I was able to vent about the different stresses in life and he was able to sympathize, empathize, and comfort me. Thankfully he has an open mind and is able to see things that I can’t because right now my mind is in a tunnel. I try to be open minded most of the time, but right now I just can’t seem to get there. Sometimes it feels like he’s the only person who cares. I know that’s not true, but when the caring emails and/or phone calls are few and far between, it makes it difficult to convince yourself that there really are people out there praying. I don’t mean to sound selfish, so I’ll just be blunt. I need support. I know it’s been over a year and a half since Chaz died, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt or make life difficult to deal with. Thanks to those of you who have continued to pray for us and encourage us with your words, written and verbal. It means the world to me to know you care.

Oh how I wish things were different...

Let me begin by saying that I have no idea where this blog is going to end up. I am so completely overwhelmed with so many different issues that I don’t know which way is up and which way is down. The holidays have really caught me by surprise this year. I must have been somewhat numb and in shock last year and this year, I’m feeling it all. I know this pregnancy has been a lot more difficult to deal with emotionally and physically than either of my previous pregnancies. Other issues that plague my mind are only amplified because of the stress of dealing with life and quite honestly there are few who have even tried to sympathize. It’s incredibly irritating. My conclusion, no matter how unrealistic, is that life would be better if I were a hermit. The pressure of the “world” seems to be more than I can handle right now and the only way to avoid it is to stay out of it. Yes, it’s late. Yes, I’ve had a crappy day, evening, week, etc. Yes, I’m negative right now.

I’m beginning to get the sense that people have a certain “you’re strong, Maria, you can handle this” attitude. The fact is that I don’t feel strong, I don’t have that kind of attitude and I don’t think God expects me too either. My baby is dead. I miss him terribly. I have another baby coming and am scared to death of the emotions that will come and have been coming for the last few months. I’m a wreck on the inside regardless of what I look like on the outside or at least that’s been the case for the last few weeks. The emotions I’m feeling are extremely similar to what I felt when we had our first ultrasound. Sometimes they’re so overwhelming I wonder if they will ever end…

Right now I’m really dealing with some heavy issues that I can’t elaborate on publicly. I wouldn’t wish the tough times in my life on anyone, but sometimes I wish those closest could get a glimpse in a dream or something to see inside my mind and heart. I can’t control how I’m feeling and I realized that tonight. My best bet is to keep my mouth shut and just get through to January. There will always be disappointments. Life will continue to be unfair in my eyes. If only I could put into words all that I want people to know right now. To sum it up…I WANT TO SCREAM!!!