Thursday, December 4, 2008

Another bad day...

Yesterday was another crappy day. I can definitely tell I’m depressed. I’m still on meds, but with the pregnancy hormones, Christmas, and stress, I’m pretty sure my body and mind are just going wacko right now. Today hasn’t been much better. I went to the dr. this morning and the baby is still breech. I know there’s time for her to move, but Brett didn’t and as of the last scan her body structure looks a lot like his was – long and skinny. Brett didn't have room to move. That being said, if she’s still breech at 37 weeks, I’ll probably have to have a c-section. I’m not sure how I feel about that, but what will be will be. I realize I have no control.

Last night Nate and I had a good talk. I was able to vent about the different stresses in life and he was able to sympathize, empathize, and comfort me. Thankfully he has an open mind and is able to see things that I can’t because right now my mind is in a tunnel. I try to be open minded most of the time, but right now I just can’t seem to get there. Sometimes it feels like he’s the only person who cares. I know that’s not true, but when the caring emails and/or phone calls are few and far between, it makes it difficult to convince yourself that there really are people out there praying. I don’t mean to sound selfish, so I’ll just be blunt. I need support. I know it’s been over a year and a half since Chaz died, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt or make life difficult to deal with. Thanks to those of you who have continued to pray for us and encourage us with your words, written and verbal. It means the world to me to know you care.

14 comments:

Brooke McCarty said...

Hi Maria,

Please know I am still praying for you and I am so proud of you for asking for prayers. It does feel good to know people are praying for you. I completely agree!

Brooke

Johnna Holloway Flack said...

Maria,

Okay, I know this may sound totally nutty but after a year and half of following your blogs (blogger and caring bridge), I feel like it's okay to finally write to you. I had thought that since I do not know you directly it may come as unwelcome or weird and I worry that I may just say something stupid inadvertently and ruin your day (nate taught my son Joshua at GMS, you've sang at our church -Trinity Lutheran, my friends Wyndee and Lisa teach with Nate, and my little girl Rhian goes to preschool at Barb's too T/TH pm). Anyway, you get the idea of how I am familiar with your family. Your post about everyone saying "you're a strong person" etc hit home. People don't realize that that "compliment" comes with a ton of pressure to just suck it up and shut up when that is not fair or sometimes even possilbe. I also believe that HE does not expect you to shoulder all the stressors in your life and "tough it out" so to speak. If I knew exactly what HE meant for you to do or even had a clue where to start myself, I'd move mountains to get to you and tell you. I've never suffered the loss of my own child and cannot fathom the possibility. I do know that God does make all things possible which sometimes sounds like a cop out but in my heart and soul I know it's true. I pray for you and your family regularly and always ask HIM to help me find the right thing to say and pray for. I know I am rambling on and this all may sound so crazy to you, but please know this..... there is a family in Girard, KS that doesn't even know you and loves you and holds you in their hearts and prayers.

Whitney said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Whitney said...

Maria--Just wanted you to know you are still on my heart and mind. I don't really even know you, only through Nate, but I feel like I know you through your blog. I didn't know if you would like people writing you, acting like they know what you're going through, because Lord knows I don't. I can only imagine what you're going through. But I do care for you and your family and I know the hurt and pain are real. Take care and know that you have some prayers coming your way from Kansas City!

Camissa said...

Hi Maria,
I just wanted to send some thoughts and prayers your way! I think of you guys often and am so excited to see pictures of your new baby girl! Take care of yourself and know that there are lots of people out here praying for you and wishing nothing but the best for you guys! Have a wonderful and blessed holidays.

Julie said...

Maria,

I dont know you guys that well either but I'm another person in Gtown that cares about you and thinks about you so often. I'll be praying for you guys...

Rachel said...

Maria, we love you guys. I have a good friend in Orlando who's 13 month old son died shortly after Chaz. She is also pregnant again and we've had many conversations about her emotions through this process. I know everyone is different, but more than anything Darren and I want to know how to help you deal, even if it's just letting you vent and recognizing the emotions that are there. Lots of prayers.

Christina said...

Hi Maria! I think of you and your family every single day!!! I can't even begin to imagine what you have been, and are, going through!! I think you are one of the bravest, most courageous, faithful women that I know!! I pray for you every sinlge day, you are never far from my mind! Being a mommy is the hardest, most incredible thing in the world, and you are a great one!!! I love reading your blogs, even on the hard days! You have a beautiful heart and soul, and you radiate Jesus' love for His (and your) children!! Please know that I pray for you specifically, (I pray for your husband and son too, but I pray for you as a wife, a mommy, a friend a daughter, and a sister! ) every single day!!!
Love,
) Christina Embree Jenkins

Lara said...

Maria, I have been reading your blog and I have no words to express my sorrow for you. I only pray that God can help you with what you are needing right now. You and I were acquaintances back in high school and I ran onto your blog through Geni Baker. My heart goes out to you and your family. I just wanted to let you know that you have prayers from Shelby county and I hope you feel better soon. God Bless, Lara (Ratliff) Jones

Johnna Bixenman said...

Maria,

I have followed your family's journey through pain and sorrow and am so happy you have a baby girl joining your family soon. She is a true blessing.

Today is my dad's birthday, and I'm really missing him. Even though he left us at Christmas fourteen years ago, the pain of his passing is so fresh. Sometimes I don't think I can function without his approval or advice, but I have to remember and focus on the good times, the wonderful way he raised me, and how proud he would be of me today (I hope)!

I'm sharing that with you to let you know that it will take a LONG time for you to handle Chaz not being a physical part of your family. I speak from experience from the child's perspective, and I'm sure it's different from a parent's view, but pain is pain, no matter the circumstance.

I (respectfully) chuckled when I read your blog: I know exactly how you feel pertaining to the world going on and nobody seeming to care about you and your pain. You will get through it, and things will get better, slowly, surely...

I wish for you the most blessed of holidays this year.

Johnna Bixenman
Macon, Missouri

Amy said...

Maria,
I stumbled upon your blog from looking at Camissa's and I wanted you to know that I think of you often. There is no way for me to understand what you are going through, but I will continue to pray for you and your family.
Amy (Chinn) Jolly

Lori Strickland said...

Ok, Maria, I am an idiot! I consider you a very good friend, one of the best ones that I've had in the last couple of years. I'm so sorry that I have not been the friend to you that you have needed. I don't want to make excuses, but I think the distance between us has made me forget that this year, pregnancy, etc. is very hard on you. Of course, I'm still praying for you. I am so glad that you felt comfortable enough to call us on it! Love you both...
Lori

Kim K said...

Hello Maria,
I have been thinking of Chaz and decided to find your blog...just wanted to let you know Chaz is still touching me.
Will is doing great, he recovered from yet another heart surgery last May (that was #3, and we went to Boston that time) God gave us a miracle and the surgeon was able to "repair" his heart, he may need a valve replacement someday, but we are no longer looking to need a heart transplant.
I still pray for you. Take care, Kim (WIll's mom)

Jenny said...

Maria,

I will pray for you right now.

Jenny