Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Oh how I wish things were different...

Let me begin by saying that I have no idea where this blog is going to end up. I am so completely overwhelmed with so many different issues that I don’t know which way is up and which way is down. The holidays have really caught me by surprise this year. I must have been somewhat numb and in shock last year and this year, I’m feeling it all. I know this pregnancy has been a lot more difficult to deal with emotionally and physically than either of my previous pregnancies. Other issues that plague my mind are only amplified because of the stress of dealing with life and quite honestly there are few who have even tried to sympathize. It’s incredibly irritating. My conclusion, no matter how unrealistic, is that life would be better if I were a hermit. The pressure of the “world” seems to be more than I can handle right now and the only way to avoid it is to stay out of it. Yes, it’s late. Yes, I’ve had a crappy day, evening, week, etc. Yes, I’m negative right now.

I’m beginning to get the sense that people have a certain “you’re strong, Maria, you can handle this” attitude. The fact is that I don’t feel strong, I don’t have that kind of attitude and I don’t think God expects me too either. My baby is dead. I miss him terribly. I have another baby coming and am scared to death of the emotions that will come and have been coming for the last few months. I’m a wreck on the inside regardless of what I look like on the outside or at least that’s been the case for the last few weeks. The emotions I’m feeling are extremely similar to what I felt when we had our first ultrasound. Sometimes they’re so overwhelming I wonder if they will ever end…

Right now I’m really dealing with some heavy issues that I can’t elaborate on publicly. I wouldn’t wish the tough times in my life on anyone, but sometimes I wish those closest could get a glimpse in a dream or something to see inside my mind and heart. I can’t control how I’m feeling and I realized that tonight. My best bet is to keep my mouth shut and just get through to January. There will always be disappointments. Life will continue to be unfair in my eyes. If only I could put into words all that I want people to know right now. To sum it up…I WANT TO SCREAM!!!

1 comment:

Ryan said...

My dear friend, I'm so sorry for your grief. As I read your post I got so frustrated with God. I don't have any idea what you're going through but I wish it could be eased.

I wish Pflug had never been known to your life, I wish the death of a child had never been introduced to you, I wish grief had never put such a strain on all your relationships so that you don't know who or how to love at times, I wish that holidays could always be joyous, I wish that God could just speak directly to you and give you an answer for why all of this has happened. I know none of this is able to turn back. So in the end, all I can do is pray that God would give you a new look at peace. It may not be much at times. But, if only he could let you see a new part of what peace looks like. That's all I know how to do right now. Let me know if there's more.

Please know you're loved.