Thursday, September 11, 2008

Forgiveness

For those of you who haven't heard, a baby GIRL will be joining our family in January! I wasn't sure what to think when we first found out, but now I'm super stoked and am spending way too much money buying stuff! A little girl just can't wear all blue sports stuff! This is the first time we've known the gender so it's a whole new realm for us. Brett is finally convinced that this baby isn't Chaz which makes the questions change a bit, but I won't get into that now.

This past weekend we went to Family Camp. It was an excellent experience! Our nephew was baptized after church on Sunday and that was awesome to see. He has such a sweet spirit and I love him and his sister (and parents) to pieces!


Nate and I were reflecting the other night about family camp and how much our lives have changed in the last 8 years. If only we had known then what we know now…SHEESH…life could have been so much better! Losing Chaz has forced me to look at life differently and also to be more grateful for what I have (and don’t have for that matter). There were so many things said throughout family camp that really pierced my heart. One that is kind of funny, but oh so true is that “we deserve hell anyway.” Isn’t that so true? We really do deserve hell. Unfortunately, there are some who will get what they deserve and that makes my heart cringe. What made that statement so funny was the story behind it. A husband and wife were arguing and she finally said, “Oh well, I deserve hell anyway!” Maybe we should have that kind of attitude more often.

The second thing that really stood out to me was when we were talking about the Lord’s Prayer. “Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.” Let me precursor this by saying that forgiveness has really been weighing on me the last few weeks. I’ve wanted to go visit Pflug in jail and talk to him but never seem to have the gumption to go. In that line of the prayer, we’re asking God to forgive us like we forgive others. If there truly is no degree of sin, then Pflug’s sins are no different than the sins I commit. The difference is that I have Jesus and he doesn’t. As I was practicing for my special music this Sunday, I was singing along just fine until I got the following verse:

Well it’s amazing that You’d ever use me
But use me the way You will
Help me to hold out a heart of compassion and grace
A heart that Your Spirit fills
May I show forgiveness and mercy
The same way You’ve shown it to me

Do they see Jesus in me?
Do they recognize Your face?
Do I communicate Your love and Your grace?
Do I reflect who You are in the way I choose to be?
Do they see Jesus in me?

Nate had mentioned a while back that he wanted to take Pflug a Bible and I told him to go ahead but to count me out. I wasn’t ready and didn’t know if I ever would be, but lately I’ve really been thinking about how we may be the only Jesus he ever sees and it’s important that we don’t miss the opportunity we have right now. My sister-in-law, Holly, talked about a book she had read by Corrie ten Boom and in the book Corrie talked about forgiveness and how the feeling sometimes comes after the verbal commitment. Honestly, that’s what I have to bank on since I have no idea what it feels like to forgive Pflug for taking Chaz’s life.

I’ve said all along that I didn’t want to live a life of bitterness and anger. The bitterness and anger have faded significantly, although they still haunt me on occasion and probably will for the rest of my life. What I want to give up is the “guilt” feeling I have for not treating Pflug as I would want to be treated. I have to forgive him in order to rid myself of the guilt I feel for holding a grudge against him.

It’s taken well over a year, but I finally feel strong enough to face Pflug again and show him the Jesus he needs to know. I don’t know if he’ll be accepting but I’m praying that he will be and I hope you’ll be praying too.

So, I’m committing publicly to going to the Crawford Co. Jail this Tuesday, September 16th, to talk to him (if he’ll see me) even if all I say is “I forgive you.”

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Maria, I will pray for you! I know that god will give you the strength for the words to be there for you. I can only image what you and your family have been thru you all are very strong and a picture of a true christian. Im excited for the new little girl to join your family. best of luck.. Pam Mettes

Christina said...

A GIRL!!!!! How wonderful!! You will love, love, love, having her in your life, she will bring so much joy to your sweet family!!! I am so excited for you!! I will be praying for you on Tuesday!! I will be praying for peace and for a purposeful conversation, even if it is only those three words!! You are amazing!! Take care friend!!!

Rachel said...

Wow, Maria. It's truly amazing how God can place something so strongly on our hearts that we just can't seem to let it go. I will definitely be praying for you and that he will be receptive to God's love.

On a different note, make sure you set aside pleanty of money for that little girl...I have a very hard time walking past Gymboree these days.

Unknown said...

You are amazing, Maria, and I will be praying for you all weekend.

Congrats on the girl! They are so fun...there's just something about pink and ruffles. :)

Take care and give Nate my best...Whitney Benson

Anonymous said...

Thank you for continuing to share with all of us! Good luck on Tuesday, I will be thinking of you.

Congratulations on your baby girl. I will warn you, raising a little girl has been much different than a boy. Enjoy the shopping!

Kelly McEwen

The Alexanders said...

A girl...yea!!! I'm so excited for you guys. Happy Shopping as you prepare for her arrival!

I'll say special prayers for you on Tuesday. You're amazing and I know God will give you the strength and guidance to say what you need to say.

Josie said...

Maria! A girl!!! I'm so excited for you. You're going to have so much fun with her. You will be in my prayers...all of you will. I can't imagine all of the different and changing thoughts you have about everything every day. I know you have a strong relationship with God and I will pray for you to continue in your walk with Him as strong as ever. Thanks for sharing everything.

Anonymous said...

that is huge! I will be praying for you in the morning. Brian T.

Anonymous said...

Clevengers! Wow, your faith and strength through all of this has been an encouragement to us all. We love you, and will be praying for you today, and always. The Schooley's